under pressure

post-vernal

(original post) (back to blog)

the pressure... (or depressed?) in persona...

rains that come...

summer ones, (some ones?) the one...

shall reweave...

more dots...

...

just ONE thing...

where are you???

(original post) (back to blog)

ok, ok, "nobody is just one thing" ...wow, love it! ...deal, ...and i perform it, ...too much indeed, ...hummm ...and in a "very too much" way indeed, to be redundantly honest... indeed!!! hehehe ...ok, but uh... i'd rather be "normally" (have always been?) "just one thing" ...like: "...nice to meet you, marcos, teacher... math teacher." (PERIOD!!!) AHAHAHAHAHA ...and not comma and (wow!) ...all the "rest" (that follows the sentence) ... that makes me get tired, and it means lots of hard work and a deep self compromise with the inner truth, and it actually demands too much studies, too much research, too much practices, too much time, too much money, too much obligation, too much real dedication... and it makes a big "mess" all around, metaphorically and literally speaking (now that i'm back to the sculptures i did remember why the fuck i had stopped it since i came to live here at the studio and, only one who have ever sculpted any stone or a piece of wood can understand, what kind of "mess" i am talking about ...it's actually a chaos!!!) ...at least the complement to the sentence should be something like... "uh... i play the guitar, not professionally and i can cook my own meals." but... no! NOOO!!! ...i could never be like this... and, could never even be... "just" a painter, or just a sculptor, an engraver, illustrator, teacher or printer... absofuckingly not... i had to be "it all" and pretty much more... and further i had to be eager (and to intend) to be great in each one of all these stuff... what means a lot of extrafurthersurplus work, even if i intend to hopelessly try to be actually great at any of these things... omfg!!! ...should it be leonardo's fault? ...whose i was introduced to... when i yet was just a little boy and got completely amazed and fascinated since then, ...or may it be marcel's fault? this man i've "met" pretty much later but has changed completely my life and my mind and made me eager to be exactly the way i always had been ...this kind of guy who is never satisfied, and keeps changing all the time, changing the profession, the way of doing things, this king of crazy freak who can never end up in just one activity, one thing, or one single 'modus operandi' ...well, i'm not gonna say that i don't like to do the things that i do, the way i do them (it would simply be a lie) much less i would say that i don't like to be the way i am (it then would be a big fat fucking lie) ...i love to be the way i am!!! ...but what i'm trying to say is that... the way i did drive my life and the point i am right now, simply does not fit, match with the "average" or "normal" life in society ...or in the big cities! unless you have some kind of "protector" or a "mecenas" (i know very well how important was the role played by Ambroise Vollard, Katherine Dreier, Walter and Louise Arensberg, the Duque di Milano or the King of France to the history of Art and to the life of each of those they've been protecting for a long time) sponsoring and funding it without any kind of social pressure and not even requiring the existence of any kind of profit coming directly from the artistic activity itself (at least... except in the Vollard's case, "out of interests" and not expecting to earn any money at all, truly not expecting anything than pure art stuff, and not a single coin, to come from that) ...but then, thinking about it, suddenly came to my mind the idea that both of my dear "idols" were much more effective than me, in the task of obtaining such an extraordinary character added to their lives... and what about me? i though i did never really get onto this task, ...and untill today, beside some delicate friends, dedicated apprentices and some random "clients" that happened to appear here to buy something they liked ...i've been my own protector and sponsor throughout my life. ...but now, i can clearly see that my capacity to do this self-sponsoring task has (almost?) completely gone, ...despite all the progress i could reach on the development of my skills, and the improvements to the body of my artworks, and in my whole dedication to the 'praxis artistica' itself, ...and to everything that being "this way" implies... oh lord! ...now i think i must dedicate myself much more to this (strange task, that, at last, i have never moved towards, not an inch!) task of finding this "someone who really loves art" (the mecenas) to sponsor and to protect this kind of personal uh... dedicated and devoted research for the art development, that proposing questions and some kind of dialogs with other artists of all time, with a wise view of (from) the past, the present and the future tries to move forward maybe presenting different paths to run on... and sometimes bringing new answers to old questions, or refreshing old points of view, presenting some new perspectives for the language of art as a whole thing, it has a value on itself even if it just bring some new sentences to... this GREAT CONVERSATION AMONG ALL HUMAN BEINGS... i don't know what can actually come from this devotion, but wherever it can leads us to... that's where i am and... that's to what i'm within... and i can tell you it's for the good ...it's something to clear visions, to show a path towards the understanding of our existence on earth... and it's an attempt to give some good meaning to it!!! ...but... meanwhile, ...i'll have to move my ass to find a way to pay everything that my unconscious, unaware and not-voluntary sponsors... all those persons, corporations and companies, those i'm in debt with, and as they're not my parents, not my friends, and... as they don't give a fucking shit to whatever i'm talking about here, i really must pay them for the... energy sources, connections, liquids, solids, the space and time i've been consuming out of their enterprises sources and... uh... not paying exactly the "right amount" they asked me to pay for that... omfg!!! what have i done? ...and they're not here to provide any of this thing because they love the art language or any research on this stuff coming from some Mister No-one... so... let's make this amazing sin (uh... anyway, it's very well accepted as a normal thing all around the world indeed) of stirring up art and commerce, trying to have as less regrets as possible (printed works are very good to feel comfortable even to sell at very low prices, once the "original" is actually kept with the artist!) ...and let's go back to the art craft vision (anyway i happily was an artisan, a craft-worker for a long time in my life, and all this became a "mind conflict" so serious to me exactly when i took the decision of being an artist instead of a craftsman, and started to make "works of art" instead of those "craft stuff" i was so used to do and to sell without any trace of regrets of any kind!!!) ...but... alright, let's go!!! and... as symbolically the first picture shows us... there's an empty chair right over here ...waiting for the right person to sit on... i know you exist, i know we'll meet someday, and we will be very very happy to be associated, and fuckingly happy to work together and we'll be pretty glad to bring to let and to give it all ...to the world, ok?